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Monday 3 March 2014

Oscars' Fashion 2014: The School of Frock Report Card

When you think about it, Celeb-land's really not that different from school. 

Take away the limos and the diamonds, the million dollar movies and the sprawling mansions, and you're left with a motley crew of beauty queens and misfits all desperate to be in the cool crew. And, just like back in the playground, we all love a good gossip about who's been kissing who, who's behaving badly and a more than a bit of OMGing over who wore what to that party last week... 

So, if Angelina, Lupita and co are the pupils, and Hollywood's the school - let's call it the School of Frock - then the Oscars are basically the end of term disco, (or if we're getting really American about it all - the High School Prom). With that in mind, we've come over all Hollywood Headmistress (we're thinking she'd be Anna Wintour meets Joan Rivers with a dash of Rachel Zoe) and marked this year's Oscars' red carpet offerings with the sartorial red pen... 

Desperate to know who got a big cross and who got a gold star? 

Can't wait to find out who's on the honour roll and who'll be in detention for the foreseeable future? 

Well the wait's over, here's the School of Frock Report Card...

Head Girl
Lupita Nyong'o in Prada

She's been flawless all term, sorry season, and we expected nothing less from her on Hollywood's night of nights. In sequinned, ice blue, slashed to the navel Prada, Lupita didn't let us down. A* - excellent. Ladies of LA - watch and learn.

Top of the Class
This little lot graduated Summa Cum Laude. Well played girls, we salute you. And refreshingly, a fair few of the grade table toppers weren't the obvious fashion swots...  

Kate Hudson in Atelier Versace
Coming out of nowhere, Kate was a very strong contender for Head Girl but was just pipped to the post by Lupita. Old Hollywood megawatt glam deserves a mega gold star - stunning.

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior
J-Law does a very good line in learning her lessons. Having previously earned A-grades for a scarlet Oscars' gown and back-to-front necklace wearing, she's combined the two to devastating effect. This peplum bad boy got a huge tick from the second we spied Jen tumbling backwards as she arrived on the red carpet. nb. Jen's next lesson should be mastering the trip-less carpet trot. 

Naomi Watts in Calvin Klein
A+ for simple elegance. Naomi is a total class act in this embellished white column dress. 

Chrissy Teigen in Monique Lhullier
Beachy hair and pockets may not be textbook Oscars' dressing but it's actually these elements of the look that lift Chrissy to the dizzy heights of fashion fabulous. Proof that thinking outside the box can lead to very good things indeed.

Olga Kurylenko in Alice Elia
This Bond girl not only tops the class in the style stakes but gets good girl bonus points for her gown's eco-credentials. And as if that wasn't enough, Olga paired her sustainably designed Red Carpet Green Dress with a pair of PETA vegan heels - an out and out goody two shoes...

Karen O in Camilla Staerk
We can only assume that Karen O's been hiding in the Library genning up on her glam - the jaw dropper of the evening; we would never have called this one. Particular mention has to go to the Rau Wolf clutch - pure fashion genius.

Must Try Harder
We had such high hopes for this bunch but on the day, they really let us down. MOST disappointing.

Amy Adams in Gucci
She's been on top form all season but at the very last minute it looks as though she panicked and tried to play it safe. Meh dress, ugly accessories, exceedingly bad hair. D-

Julia Roberts in Givenchy
Julias' 2001 vintage Valentino was the sort of stuff legends are made of. This year's Givenchy was the stuff Home Ec projects gone wrong are made of. You've not only let yourself down Roberts, you've let the WHOLE school down.

Jessica Biel in Chanel
...Zzzzz... sorry we dozed off there... Repeat after us Biel, 'Less is snore'...

Margot Robey in Saint Laurent by Hedi Slimane
This promising new starlet had us in raptures at the start of the season. A few short weeks later and she's gone for a dress that somehow manages to make her teeny frame look stocky. Further points deducted for the uber-goth hair and make-up. Vastly improved when viewed from the back though - there's definitely hope for her yet.

Angelina Jolie in Elie Saab
Bad girl gone matronly nun. We preferred you in slashed to the thigh, shoulder baring midnight velvet Angie - this look just earns you an F for frump.

The Dunces

Straight to the headmistress's office and the very bottom of the class - this pair clearly don't know their Prada from their Primark. If only they could be more like Lupita...

Anna Kendrick in J. Mendel
Anna Kendrick - what were you thinking? We can only think you weren't thinking? This is car crash awful. Face the wall and think about what you've done... actually that's a HUGE improvement, stay just like that - the back's actually very pretty...

Liza Minelli
This is almost SO bad that it's good... almost... The visible nips though really push this into eternal detention territory. 

One hundred lines of: "I must not match my hair to my pyjamas". 

Too Cool for School
This gang may not have quite hit prefect status but frankly they're sort of in a league of their own anyway. Total red carpet rebels - rules are definitely made to be broken...

Emma Watson in Vera Wang
It's the Oscars and Emma rocks up in a sparkly knitted tank top and haven't-brushed-it-all-week hair. She somehow still looks knock-out gorgeous in a timelessly futuristic sort of way and we're dying over that Anya Hindmarch clutch. Girl crush alert.

Pharrell Williams in Lanvin
He's a foot shorter than his wife and appears to be wearing his Junior school uniform from the waist down... Somehow still aces it though. Note to all other men at the School of Frock, this works ONLY because Pharrell is Pharrell. You have been warned.

The Craze
Tamagotchis, stickers, Heelys, those rulers that turn into bracelets... there's always a playground craze that all the cool kids are in on and all the D-list kids crave cheap copies of... 

This year's red carpet craze? The ear cuff.

Yeah we called it back at the Globes, this lot were clearly taking notes. Model students...

Emma Watson in Anita Ko ear cuff

Lupita Nyong'o in Fred Leighton

Sandra Bullock in Lorraine Schwartz

Maria Menounos in Demarco Bridal

And yup... that's the bell - school's out for another term.

Until the Met Ball...


Hollywood Headmistress 

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